Marseille v Arsenal – live!

The bass guitarist of 1980s East German thrash metal band? A Canadian trainee lumberjack circa 1952? Photograph: Action Images

13 min: Jenkinson inexplicably handles the ball when under no pressure in his own box. Ayew demand a penalty but the ref waves play on. Ayew is baffled and very, very angry. His protests earn him a yellow card. And manager Didier Deschamps is getting a stern talking-to from the fourth official on the sideline.

10 min: Meh, or Tomas Rosicky if you want to use his given name (though I doubt he’s bothered one way or the other), has had no influence on the game so far. I don’t know whether he cares.

9 min: Promising from Arsenal! They zipped the ball about well before pinging it out to Walcott, who’s determined to get chalk on his boots tonight. He delivers a good cross that van Persie meets … but the Dutchman had strayed fractionally offside.

6 min: It’s quite open so far, and quite error-strewn too. You get the feeling that this will peter out into a drab 0-0, or become a madcap 3-3. “What’s going on with the kits for OM vs Arsenal – is there a reason both teams are in changed kits?” wonders Harold Dyson. The reason is marketing.

4 min: Song booked for a making a desperate lunge after losing possession. Freekick to Marseille about 25 yards, to the left-hand side. Valbuena curls it tamely into the keeper’s arm (that last sentence was for the benefit of Meh, who may not have bothered to watch).

3 min: Arsenal have had the better of the somewhat tepid opening exchanges, probing gently down the right through Jenkinson and Walcott.

1 min: Off we go. And off the ball goes, hoofed out of play by Marseille after less than 10 seconds.

7.39pm: The fans take to the pitch, with Van Halen’s Jump blasting out over the PA. Splendid! “I’ve become an honorary Toluca fan because the person that cleans my office, Rodrigo, is a Mexican that supports Toluca,” hollers Jad Chamseddine all the way from Washington DC. “I have an Arsenal jersey in my office and one day, he left his Toluca scarf in my office and since then we try breaking the language barrier and discuss the Mexican national team, Chicharito and of course Jorge Campos. I actually follow Toluca now, and watch all their games, despite not understanding one word the commentators say, but they definitely sound better than Jon Champion.”

7.32pm: The Vélodrome usually has one of the best atmospheres of any ground in Europe – a proper heaving madhouse – but tonight’s capacity is severely reduced by renovation work. Dommage.

7.29pm: Here’s the first of your ‘strange reasons for supporting clubs’ stories. “Hello,” greets Tim Osgood. Hello Tim, what can we do for you? “I wanted to share with you why I am an Arsenal fan. I had the FIFA Soccer 95 game, and because I had no Internet access and the nearest store that sold World Soccer or When Saturday Comes was 60 miles away, I knew nothing about the Premier League or any of its clubs. When my World War 2 obsessed, belligerent teenage self saw “Arsenal” on the list of teams in the game, I knew they had to be my team. Even when I started reading about George Graham’s handiwork in the transfer market, I stuck by them. I think I made a decent choice, overall.” So you picked them for their name? I imagine Eleven Men in Flight, FC Honka and Mysterious Dwarves have sizeable worldwide followings for the same reason.

Preamble:
Arsene Wenger said yesterday that the reason Arsenal have performed better in Europe this season than domestically is because they are under less pressure when they play in the Champions League. That is surely bilge: the most pressurised matches of their season were the two against Udinese, the second of which produced their best display so far. Secondly, guys who can’t handle the pressure of taking on Blackburn or Newcastle have no business playing for Arsenal. Thirdly, Arsenal will surely be under pressure tonight: Marseille may be spluttering in Ligue 1 but they’ve cruised so far in Europe and they have some nifty players who will be well up for it tonight, viz Andre Ayew and Mathieu Valbuena.
A draw wouldn’t be a bad result for Arsenal but since they can’t play for a draw they will try to go for the win, which will suit OM, who like to rip at opponents on the counter. So this should be a pleasant game.

Aside: I have a friend from Scotland who is a fervent Marseille fan because (or so his story goes) once, when he was in his teens, he came home late and was locked out of his house by his angry and slightly sadistic parents to teach him a lesson. He had no choice, apparently, but to go sleep in the bushes in his local park, where, happily, he bechanced upon a coat that provided a smidgin of warmth and solace during a frigid Aberdeen night. It was a blue Olympique de Marseille coat. He fell in love with the club there and then, and vowed to support it just as well as the coat did him on that fateful, bastard-cold night. Personally, I think he just swigged a bottle of whisky that gave him a comforting winter glow that he mistook for exotic French clobber, but the question all this raises is what, dear readers, are the oddest reasons that you have come across for people to support a team?

Teams:
OM: Mandanda; Azpilicueta, Diawara, N’Koulou, Morel; Diarra, Lucho, Cheyrou; Valbuena, Rémy, Ayew
Subs: Bracigliano, Gignac, Traoré, Amalfitano, Sabo, Roland

Arsenal: Szczesny; Jenkinson, Mertesacker, Koscielny, André Santos; Song, Arteta; Walcott, Meh, Arshavin; Van Persie
Subs: Fabianski, Ramsey, Djourou, Gervinho, Chamakh, Benayoun, Coquelin

Referee: Damir Skomina (Slovenia)