Baseball Wives – Episode 1 – A Snake In The Grass

Welcome to Scottsdale, home of the newest cast of wives to grace us with their presence, the Baseball Wives. Let’s meet the women before we get into the real drama, shall we?

First up, Chantel Kendall:

Stats: Divorced from Jason Kendall. Tattoo aficionado. Forged a bond with her baseball (sister) wives who rallied around her during her two-year-long divorce battle. Has a gay husband (a “gusband,” if you will…but I won’t) named Glen. Meet Glen:

Brooke Villone:

Stats: Married to Ron Villone for seven years. She models. She stationary bikes against a mountain backdrop. She’ll jump in the pool of a nightclub if it’s hot out — why not?

Jordana Lenz:

Ex-girlfriend of Nyjer Morgan. Trying not to be a psycho about it. Leaver of incredibly long voicemails.

Tanya Grace:

Ex-wife of Mark Grace. A guy’s girl who loves to golf and generally hit a lot of balls. Goes by the code name “Single In Scottsdale.” Makes out occasionally.

Erika Monroe Williams:

Married to Matt Williams. News anchor. Lives in a French country chateau in the middle of the desert. Olive oil micro-manager.

Anna Benson:

Married to Kris Benson. FHM model. Gun-toter. The most exciting thing to happen to the Mets since ’86.

What better way for the women to get to know one another than to throw a mixer? Erika puts a little party together at her home which, as I mentioned, is huge and chateau-like.

Erika wants everyone to get to know one another but also to meet Anna, whose reputation precedes her or, in some cases, supersedes her. Erika knows Anna, but she warns all the girls of her impending arrival, just to mess with all of our expectations. Everyone’s thinking that Anna is going to be…something — it’s hard to tell because no one discusses it, there’s just a lot of expectant eye-darting, but Erika ends up having more of a problem with Chantel than anyone. Maybe the half-sleeve tattoo and garter-simulating dress kind of turn her off? “She’s not a person I see myself hanging out with,” Erika explains.

When Anna finally arrives, she’s nothing like what Jordana expects. “When Anna walked into the party, I thought I was gonna die. I was expecting this tiny little gorgeous hot tamale thing to walk in and I was like oh. That’s Anna Benson?” she asks.

There’s lore about Anna and all the women have heard bits and pieces of it, so Chantel asks Anna about her infamous comment she made on Howard Stern and Anna admits that she did say that if she found out her husband ever cheated, she’d sleep with his whole team. Erika is not thrilled by the convo. Between Anna’s comment and Chantel’s liberal throwing-around of the term “b— j—, Erika explains “I hate to judge people before i really get to know them, but Chantel was really vulgar.” I believe the seed of our very first Baseball Wives conflict has been planted.

“Erika is a stepford wife,” Anna says, defending the coarse language that she and Chantel were using. The ladies hightail it out of Erika’s house and head to a nightclub where many things happen.

1. Tanya starts making out with a guy named Dennis.

It’s cool, she just wants to taste his gum.

2. Chantel admits that she’s a recovering drug and alcohol abuser. Unfortunately, the only drawback to this is that she refuses to dance because she gets really self-conscious.

3. But that means we all get to watch Jordana dance instead!

“Jordana does not date baseball players, she f—s them.” Anna says, and tries to get some dirt on Jordana from Chantel when they go shopping after the mixer. Chantel isn’t judging anyone just yet and has nothing bad to say, but Anna’s wary of Jordana. Coincidentally, Jordana’s ex is in town and like the crazy ex-girlfriend she says she is, she goes with Brooke to have lunch at his hotel. She actually sees him and breaks down because she’s not quite over their relationship.

To that I say “You went to his hotel. Weren’t you expecting to see him?” I mean, I’m sure there’s a perfectly serviceable Chipotle in the Scottsdale area that you could have opted for instead of the restaurant in his hotel. But she is truly upset over him and is working on getting over him.

Anna and Chantel are forming a lovely friendship because they’re definitely two of the bawdier, tell-it-like-it-is types, and after spending time together, Anna throws Chantel a little divorce party. Everyone is there (except for Erika), and Anna gives Chantel a mink shawl because Anna loves her furs. Anna defends her love of furs by saying that it’s all part of the food chain and if we didn’t use animals for fur “They’d take over the earth.” Her style philosophy on fur: “Everyone looks great in fur. Except for those poor little animals that don’t have their fur anymore.”

“I got Chantel a gift…I’m hoping she likes it and she’s not like, a PETA-f—er,” Anna says. Chantel doesn’t love it (nobody tell Anna that though), but she is thrilled to receive it and wears it as a hat, at least until her dress starts to fall off.

It’s all fur and games though until Jordana reveals that she got a call from Erika who was talking serious trash about Chantel. Jordana says that Erika thinks Chantel is scraped from the bottom of the barrel. Predictably, Chantel doesn’t take it well.

Anna schemes that they will all confront Erika together and “go in for the kill.” And for a woman with a handgun in her purse, that could mean anything.

Jordana, Brooke and Shayla all go to a nightclub that conveniently has a pool in it, and Jordana proves that she’s not just a table dancer, she’s also a poolside dancer…

…who will disrobe any time, any place. She jumps in the pool and convinces Brooke to join her, saying “Whats hotter than two gorgeous girls jumping into a f—ing pool half-naked?”

How about five women in a pool, two of whom are half-naked, and three who are still fully clothed? That’s weird, right?

The whole group meets for lunch to squash the beef that’s brewing, unbeknownst to Erika.

Everyone senses that Chantel is on edge and it’s only when she confronts Erika and calls her out for being a “mean b—h” that Erika explains that her “bottom of the barrel” comment was a result of Chantel’s language and the fact that she kept saying b— j— over and over within earshot of Erika’s daughter. Hey, kid’s gotta learn about this stuff sometime, right? (I kid, I kid. But to Chantel’s point, this was an adult party and Erika did go to the trouble of warning everyone that crazy Anna was coming, so clearly she expected that something unpredictable or adult-ish might happen, right?)

Erika thinks that you should tailor your behavior to the situation and there should have been NO sex talk in her home, especially not around a seven-year-old, so they all are sticking to their guns about this, and Anna tries to mediate by brokering a peace treaty, asking Erika to apologize and Chantel to accept, but the issue is deeper than that for Chantel. This brings her back to abusive relationships where she’s been told she was nothing, so she’s hurting. She leaves the meal before it gets out of hand, calling Erika a “snake in the grass.”

The introductions have been made, but there’s a whole season ahead to see what kind of drama unfolds…